Weathering Sandy – the WBH Hurricane Guide

Holy shit.

Hello East Coasties,

Enjoying the weather? Still got power? (Or are you reading this on your phone, you lovely devotees?)  So as you may have noticed, the mid-Atlantic and beyond is in the midst of a so-called “Frankenstorm,” a combination of Hurricane Sandy and some mad nor’easter, resulting in apocalyptic rain, winds, damage, and general mayhem, and it’s only getting worse as I write this.

Chill out! It’s the We Ball Harder Hurricane Guide!

1. While you have power, stock up on the essentials:

Durable food (good time to cook a stew!), flashlights, batteries, and for the pretentious amongst you, bottled water (the water doesn’t go out in a hurricane! Suck it up and drink tap, filtered if you have one.)  If you have a car, make sure there’s some petrol in it so when the world emerges anew after its rainy, windy 48 hours of hell, you can get around if the stations have lost power.

Optional, but STRONGLY recommended extras: firewood; lighters/matches/two sticks to rub – incidentally, it may be a fine time to learn how to cook in a fireplace and play pioneer:

Also, hard liquor, preferably aged rum or a fine Scotch or two. Cognac or for the truly hip, Armagnac or Calvados, will also do. Something not requiring chilling, or ice, or cold mixers, but goes down nice and smooth by the fireplace. Oh, and a guitar. You won’t have power soon (knowing the DC area, anyway) so it’s a good time to bust out some choons, practice some chords, or hell, learn how to play, since you have nothing else to do.

2. Also while you have power, charge up your damn phone and laptop. How else will you check Twitter for weather updates, see how close you are to utter destruction on the Google Crisis Map, order pizza from that one crazy place still delivering, and hold your Lord of the Rings DVD marathon?

3. Play “When the Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin. A lot. If you have power, on your turntable, if not, on your charged mobile device.

“If it keeps on rainin’, the levee’s going to break/When the levee, you have no place to stay.” You may think it inappropriate, but there’s a time and place for everything, no?

4. If your power has gone out, you’ve lit your fire, played your guitar, got tired of Zeppelin, drank your rum, and all the rest, learn how to play some new card or board games. I suggest backgammon, the oldest game in the world and the game of gat-damn KINGS! If you have a nargile (hookah) lying about, fire that up too and you can imagine you’re in the heyday of the Ottoman Empire at the Sultan’s court. Hurricane time becomes Orientalism time. Sweet.

The Orientalist view of the Sultan’s court. Nude woman optional…

5. Finally, don’t panic. Unless you live on the coast. But in any case, keep a cool head, enjoy your day off, and it’ll all be over soon.

6. For those that DO live on the coast and totally don’t give a fuck, go surfing. Apparently the wives are 10-30 feet high. Cowabunga, dude!

Like this, but a) not sunny and b) insane

actually it’s apparently exactly like this, taken just now in NJ: